It’s February and love is in the air! But let’s face it: sometimes, cupid’s arrow stings. As passions cool, love may feel distant or prickly even when it’s laying next to us in bed every night. Ah, animosity, resentment, and regret don’t make warm bedfellows. It may feel impossible right now, but what if I told you that ‘love’ can be a turn-phrase that literally improves your relationship.
Follow these four steps to find out how L-O-V-E leads the way:
- Lean towards your partner.
As long as we’re playing for the opposite team or operating on a lonely island, we cannot access our partner and our partner cannot access us. Let’s step outside of our pride, accept that this is a hard moment, and make an effort to attune to them.
- Observe how they are feeling and what they need.
You might be wondering how that attunement can occur. Well, first you have to observe them. Really listen to their thoughts, feelings, and needs in a non-judgmental way. If your partner says something triggering, “Woah, buddy — I get it!” It can make your heart race and have you jerseying up or escaping to that island for one. If that happens, observe yourself and see if you can slow down that internal protective response.
- Venture into new ways of self expression.
As you’re mastering your internal protective response and find it’s your turn to open up, venture into your feelings. Your feelings are a unique map of your internal landscape. It gives your partner the privilege of knowing you and what’s causing distress and disconnection – or the opposite, what creates compassion and connection. Share your emotions while resisting the defensive urge to act them out.
- Engage with bids for connection.
Now that you’ve both risked opening up, the final step is asking for or making an attempt at connection. John & Julie Gottman, the top researchers on love and couples, have found that couples who turn towards one another during bids for connection improved their chances of remaining together and finding satisfaction within their relationship. A bid for connection can come in many forms, but some examples include reaching out for a hug, bringing them a morning coffee in bed, affirming with reassurance that they’re a great parent, and taking the time to listen to and validate their life stories.
As you can see, LOVE (Lean towards your partner, Observe your partner, Venture into new ways of self expression, and Engage with bids for connection) can lead you back to spooning and swooning with your beloved. If you attempt this process and find yourself getting stuck or maybe you both have a lot of historical distress between you that makes this more difficult, please reach out for support from a couples therapist. I would be happy to work with you!
